


i will die for my own sins thanks a lot

by DragonEyez



Category: Original Work
Genre: Death, Depersonalization, Dissociation, Gen, Meta, and then not being dead but being real fucked up about it, dying and being dead, i like hard core meta'd here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-27
Updated: 2017-09-27
Packaged: 2019-01-06 01:19:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12201102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DragonEyez/pseuds/DragonEyez
Summary: “Welcome home, little magpie.”"Felix" means "lucky", right?





	i will die for my own sins thanks a lot

**Author's Note:**

> so felix died in game last month and i wrote meta that was instantly disproven like two weeks later but i still want to share.
> 
> song title from _One Foot_ by fun.

The most constant, undeniable fact was the cold. Death was unfairly cold. Or at least, they assumed it would be if they were actually affected by it. As it stood, Felix was aware of the cold in the same was they were aware of the hum of the skystone or the jingle of coins in a pocket: ever-present but essentially background. They doubted they’d really mind it if she hadn’t seemed so _warm_ at the RIver. They thought, if they still had the capacity, they’d feel a bit betrayed. Or maybe not. Afterall, she never advertised herself as anything herself. No one ever said Death was warm, or caring, or kind. What she was was accepting. The words “everyone is equal when they’re dead” was a phrase oft muttered in Lowtown, and even that hadn’t been true, not really, but here? Haku played no favorites, offered no comforts. Just the endless Sprawl. And that was the second undeniable Truth: there was no escape from the dark. Initially, they’d taken comfort in it. Felix knew the darkness, they used it to their advantage and built themself a home from it on Leires. But even that grew oppressive before long. On Leires, at least, there was the gentle light of the moon. Some light, no matter how small it had seemed at the time. There was no place for Killiad in Death’s domain though.

Thinking of Killiad inevitably brought around their thoughts to their friends? Family? Did it matter at this point? They wondered what had happened After. There were...regrets. That was a new feeling, disconcerting in the same way the Cold and the Dark were disconcerting. Felix had never been someone with the _luxury_ of turning over every action like a river stone before. Life was hectic and stopping to question every decision would get you killed (they snorted at the thought) before it would ever help. They did what they had to to survive, and a little extra to live and never looked back. But all they had now was time and there was only so much of Eternity that could be spent inching around in the blackness. They wished they hadn’t left Charlotte behind. They had no idea if she was dead or alive and the just left here there. In the early moments, they tried to justify it to themself. She was holding her own, she had the wolf, she had the Goddess. It didn’t matter in the end what they told themself. Felix prided themself of the fact that, although they may have lied to everyone else, they never lied to themself. And the truth of the matter was plain to see. Felix had abandoned their friend to save their own skin. Certainly wasn’t the first time. You didn’t live as long as they did, growing up like they did, by being _nice_ and _chummy_. But it was the last. And it _hurt_ and they had no way of making it better. They kept coming back to the not knowing. They would never know. It wasn’t like Haku was very forthcoming. Or talkative. Or anything. They still felt the ghost of a whisper, sometimes. 

“Welcome home, little magpie.”

The implication that _they_ were _hers_. That she had some hold on them. Little magpie. Home. Some home. They longed for the late afternoons of the Whisperwood. If they tried hard enough, they could remember the evening warmth, sitting on the roof as the sun set and cicadas screamed in the dying light. They missed _Hera_. “I’m coming back,” they’d said. They’d promised. Every time they recalled the exchange something inside crumbled a little more. They’d been an  idiot. Who were they to tempt fate like that? Maybe Haku _did_ have claim on them. After all they’d spent their entire life tempting fate, maybe she’d finally decided it was time to collect. Maybe she’d only ever been humoring them. (For a minute it was hard to breathe but they didn’t need to breathe, did they?) It would be easier to bear any of this if they could just talk to someone. If they weren’t so _alone_. If they could commune with her like Charlotte or Kavik everything would be- well not fine. Nothing about **this** would ever be fine. But things might be better. Maybe she would tell them if Charlotte had lived, or if Kavik was still stuck there, keeping the mist devil bound, waiting for help that might not ever come. Fuck. 

At some point, they drew their knees to their chest and tucked themself into a ball. No more crawling through the dark waiting for answers that would never come. What was the point? They’d never been one to indulge exercises in futility, so why start now? They laid there for who knows how long, waiting. They didn’t know exactly what for but it beat the other options. 

Until suddenly things started happening. For the first time since dying they felt…pain. A searing grip seemed to burn itself deep into their ribs. No, that wasn’t right. It wasn’t heat it was cold. It was so cold it was burning and the sensation spread and their whole body was engulfed and ten the screaming started. They were so consumed in the sudden onslaught that they almost didn’t realize screaming was their own. Icy lips pressed against their ar and somehow they heard the near silent whisper over the overwhelming sense of Everything.

“You’ll be back eventually, little magpie. Don’t forget.”

And then there was **light** and Felix couldn’t stop yelling. They lashed out an arm and connected with swathes of fabric. It was the first tangible sensation in _minuteshoursdaysyearsmillenia_ and they clutched at it like a lifeline because they were f a l l i n g and they couldn’t stop.

Eventually their eyes adjusted and they realized they were holding on to Kavik’s robes and he looked so frightened and relieved and there was someone else in the room and were they on the ship?! They wanted to cry from relief but they were frozen from the inside out and oh- they must have stopped screaming when did they stop? Second by second they released their death grip.

“Felix?” Kavik asked hesitantly.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Thank you thank you I’m so sorry.” The words ran together and Felix knew they were babbling but they couldn’t stop.

Clearly alarmed, Kavik touched their arm but it was too much everything was too much. They ripped their arm away and curled up on their side, doing their best to block it all out. They heard a voice they didn’t recognize quietly say, “Perhaps it would be best to let them readjust alone.” There was some hesitation, but eventually two sets of footsteps left the room, and the door shut softly. Felix was alone again. It was almost a relief.

It was two days before Felix re-emerged from their room. The only way to tell was from how people regularly stopped by to try and talk or leave them meals.They just sat there on their bed, stone-face and silent. Their shuttle friend was there for no discernable reason, and it too simply sat there on Felix’s head like it belonged there. Occasionally it let its tongue drop onto their face as if to comfort them and Felix reached up an icy hand to pat it gently. At the end of the second day, they rummaged through their pack and food a long-sleeved tunic. The shuttle moved so they could pull their ruined shirt off, and as they did they noticed with a vague sense of horror that there was a new tattoo on their side. No, not a tattoo, a brand. Scar tissue depicting a bird set deep into their skin. They scrambled through their belongings and found a small mirror they used to examine the mark further. They barked a laugh; short and humorless. It was a fucking magpie. Death-marked. 

They swallowed the emotions down and slipped on the longer sleeves, then their cloak, and after a moment’s thought, the well-worn leather gloves. No chance of anything touching their skin. 

This time, when Hera gently knocked on the door, Felix opened it. They collapsed into her arms and she hugged them back, a little surprised at first. They stood like that for a few minutes before Felix sucked in a shuddering breath and stepped away. 

“Well I said I was coming back, right?”

“You sure did kiddo.”

“Say, um, what’s there to eat? I’m starving.”

“Being dead for several months will do that to you.”

The words hit like a sack of bricked (they were _actually_ hit with one once, they vividly remembered the feeling). Months. It felt like forever, it felt like no time at all. They clenched and unclenched their firsts, trying to process the information.

“Felix?” She sounded worried. That wasn’t good. 

“Months, huh?” They attempted a smile. “Then I’ve got a lot of food to catch up on.”

She clapped them on the shoulder and nodded her head towards the mess. “Let’s go see what we can rummage up.”

“So, uh, how is everyone?” They followed Hera slowly, eyeing the doors, looking for signs that one of the rooms may be unoccupied.

“They’re good, things are good. Everyone’s elive. Family’s gotten bigger, too.”

“More garbage babies?”

“Something like that.”

The mess was certainly more crowded than Felix ever expected it to be. It was full of unfamiliar faces. Two elves sat at the table, one very engaged in a conversation with Charlotte and the other feeding a hawk. They were unbelievably relieved to see Charlotte sitting there at the table, wolf curled up at her feet. Another man sat closer to the corner and Kavik was with him. Suddenly Felix remembered that he was the other person in the room that night. Their friends had survived, everyone had made it. A weight lifted. Abelard was behind the bar, and that made Felix raise and eyebrow. If it’d been months, surely the crew would’ve dropped him off in his new den of operations by now. Not that they weren’t glad to see him of course.

“Darling,” they croaked, drawing the attention of everyone in the room. “You would not _believe_ the day I’ve had.”

**Author's Note:**

> as always, comments and constructive criticism are always appreciated and i can be found [here](https://theunacceptablepylades.tumblr.com/)


End file.
